I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
