I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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