Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
