even my farts smell like vagina
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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