rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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