Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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