I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You should frame my arrest warrant.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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