Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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