Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
