erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
