And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
