Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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