I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
