You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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