There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
