Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
