how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
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I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
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I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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