it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize