she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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