I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There r osticjed everywhere
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize