I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
