On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
