im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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