you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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