i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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