Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
