I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
