Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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