When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
