life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
