I could make wine with my vomit
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
