So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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