God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
