your parents love me but you hate me
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
