I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
