I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
