I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
