I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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