You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
