Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
