we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
