My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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