I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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