so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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