Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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