is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
