I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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