Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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