The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
