we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
