so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It's official drugs can't kill me
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
