So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
