If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
