i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
