I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
