Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
