im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
