conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
