Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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