what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
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