omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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