dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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